Hey teachers—I had a lot of fun writing this "Epic Fails" series for an educational publisher. They're high-interest nonfiction chapter books written from a “comedic point-of-view.” (Translation = They have comics!)
October 21, 2014
October 17, 2014
—“But wh-what’s on the other side, mister?”
—“Well, the nasturtiums are just lovely this time of year.”
*screams, sounds of children fleeing*
October 13, 2014
October 11, 2014
THE MYSTERY OF THE DOORBELL THAT DIDN’T WORK
“Aha—THIS thing is, like, not hooked up to another thing. The case is solved!”
*applause, curtain comes down as Bart starts breakdancing*
A group of neuroscientists did battle in an epic Twitter Rap Free-for-All. Check it! [Scientific terms explained in brackets.]
DEAN BURNETT: My flow is so powerful it’s basically exponential
Yours don't make the threshold for a single action potential.
[An "action potential" is the signal sent by a neuron.]
LOUIS: I speak hard truth my words are metallic, Your rhymes are brainless like an acephalic.
[Acephalic = without a head]
DB: If your rhymes taste metallic then I hate to confuse ya But that's a symptom of dysgeusia.
[Dysgeusia is a distortion of taste perception.]
LOUIS: You think that scares me? Here's something to amaze ya, Your weak comprehension makes me diagnose aphasia.
[Aphasia describes a variety of communication disorders.]
DB: You repeat and add nothing like a Celine Dion ballad. Basically demonstrating classic word salad.
[See Sarah Palin.]
LOUIS: Celine's a low blow I expect no better,
From a weak-ass rhymer who's cephalically wetter.
[“Water on the brain” reference.]
DB: You want to step to me, like a fly in a spider's parlor? I'll make you so scared you'll rip out your amygdala.
[Removal of the amygdala typically removes the fear response.]
AIDAN HORNER: You don't know left from right, I'm fricking awesome Your rhymes so disconnected, someone's cut your corpus callosum.
[The connection between left and right brain hemispheres.]
SALLY PRICE: Ya hissing & dissing like a pair of morons; It's clear the spirochaetes ate all your neurons.
[Spirochaetes are a bacteria that can infect the brain.]
DB: Morons & neurons don't rhyme, I'm afraid. If your flow was a cat, it'd have to be spayed.
SALLY PRICE: You stutter like you got dysdiadokinesis; I'm puttin’ it down to your tertiary syphilis.
[Dysdiadokinesis - impaired ability to perform alternating movements.]
DB: My words are quite clear as anyone can see. That you struggle to read them suggests maybe ADHD.